oh man, its my (really unnecessarily long)testimony.
i know you guys see a lot of these, and i’m a little torn about whether i even want to have this here or not, but i’m gonna anyway because i know we’re not given a spirit of fear, and i want to share. so um. sorry it’s so long.
this time last year, i was a different girl. i said i was christian because i grew up christian, because that’s what my parents expected me to say, because i thought i was by default, considering my surroundings. i was (and still am, when i’m at home) involved in an amazing, God-filled church, was (and still am) blessed with some really great, awesome God-filled friends, and have the best God-fearing parents that tried (and still try) their very hardest to live Godly lives and to teach their children to do the same. I knew some of the Bible, i knew how church worked, i’d taken an apologetics class, i’d been in youth council at my church, jeez, a couple little girls even asked me to be their mentors (it fell through, though, thank God, i was probably the worst person for them to go to during that time, no matter how i looked on the outside.) at the best, i was a very lukewarm (is that a thing? “very lukewarm?”) christian, at worst, i wasn’t a christian at all, i was fooling myself and i was fooling everyone around me. i just barely suspected that maybe i was doing the whole thing wrong. as much as i knew about church and Jesus and the Bible, it was all intellectual stuff, nothing that really touched my heart. that was sort of a disturbing thought to me, but that’s all it was, just a passing thought.
so i headed to college. i headed to college after being thoroughly warned in church that a large percentage of churchgoing teenagers relinquish their faith during their first year of college. of course, i assured everyone that it wouldn’t be me, but thinking back on it, it wasn’t because i was depending on God to hold me up, it was because i wanted to prove them wrong. my intentions were all wrong, my heart was all wrong, everything was wrong. first semester i slowly declined. everything around me influenced me—i didn’t have any christian friends yet, and, hardly being christian as i was, it didn’t serve to help me or show me how wrong i was. i wasn’t going to church, i wasn’t a part of any clubs, i wasn’t reading my Bible, and during the worst period, i’d even started cursing (oh gosh, it hurts even admitting it, wow.) i suppose by worldly standards i was a decent kid, i didn’t smoke, i didn’t drink, i didn’t sleep around—but the world’s standards are nothing in comparison to God’s standard of absolute perfection. i mean, really, the world’s standards are awfully low even without pitting them against God’s standards. anyway, i was terrible. i was living in sin, and i was okay with it. gah, i’m ashamed to even think about it as i type it, i was all wrong, and i was fine with it.
during spring break in second semester, i went back home for a weekend. i wasn’t expecting anything too different, and nothing really was different at all. the sunday before i went back to school, i went to church of course, and my pastor was preaching—i can’t even remember exactly what he was preaching on right now, but i do remember what he said that really got to me. the funny thing is, he’s said it multiple times before. and before this, i’d never cried in church before, i’d never been led to tears or been moved by what Christ did for me—for us. of course, i’d seen other people moved to tears, and i sort of wondered why i always missed out on what they had, but i got over it and moved on. in biblical terms, i suppose my heart was hard, and when your heart is hardened, only God can soften it. my pastor was asking us how we thought Jesus felt when he examined our lifestyles. after all He’d done for us, whether we were just taking advantage of him and living however we wanted, whether we were really grateful for Him, and were living as though we were or not. He asked us to imagine how God feels, having given up his only Son, the most precious thing to Him for us, and having us basically throw it back in his face by living willingly in sin, and hurting him—grieving him—by doing so. i cried. i felt terrible. i cried on the car ride home, i cried when i got in bed that night, i cried pretty much every time i thought about it after that for a couple of days. it was weird. and feeling that way because i’d wronged God was completely new to me. i’d never cried before over something that i’d done wrong, only when i was angry at someone else, or when i felt i’d been wronged. never over something that i did—i guess i was really self-righteous. even stranger to me was the fact that despite how horrible i was (and how blind i’d been to it), God still loved me, and still even bothered with me. when i realized how terrible i was, i wondered why i was even still alive. for quite a while after this event, i was so certain that i deserved the worst of deaths for hurting God, the last thing i deserved was all the chances he’s given (and still continues) to give me.
so i went back to school like that. i looked for a church. i started going to bible study. all these things because i actually wanted so badly to know God, to understand Him, to stop hurting him the way i was with all my nonchalant sin, and to please him by doing what he wanted me to do because why even bother to live any other way? it was weird. it was real. i spent a lot of time studying, watching sermons online, i deleted a lot of my music, read a bunch of christian books, completely left my old tumblr and made this new one, so i could only follow other christians because more than anything i wanted God and therefore things that would push me further in that relationship with Him. i got serious with the great commission, and started looking for ways to actually act on it (i was, and still am, looking for a mission trip to go on, but my parents aren’t feeling that, hahaha), so i’m working on “missions” here on campus by trying to actually adhere to God’s word and live out a real christian lifestyle rather than the shallow churchgoing lie that i lived out for so long before. in fact, i almost got in trouble because i mean, i was in second semester, so i did have work to do, but nothing mattered. it seemed so stupid and trivial to me.even talking to my friends sometimes would get me frustrated almost to the point of anger because the conversations would beso trivial in comparison to eternity, to the great commission, to God. i still feel that way quite often, if not as intensely as i did then. my focus wasn’t on school until i realized that i had to get it together to be able to stay there and i half didn’t even want to stay, i wanted to “go therefore, and make disciples of all nations.” i wanted to just drop everything and go. my parents weren’t feeling that either, haha. i seriously considered transferring to a Bible college (but i realized God put me where i am for a reason, so i decided to stay.) this is going to sound so cliche, but everything was (is!) different. i’d walk outside on the same pathways to go to class that weren’t anything special before, and i’d look at the grass and think “that’s crazy. everything is crazy amazing and beautiful, God is amazing.” it would rain, and i’d think how God planned it for a reason. i specifically remember walking past a cherry blossom tree next to our museum on campus, and the blossom petals were falling, and the sunlight was just streaming through the branches, and i was completely in awe with how creative and magnificent God is. i could understand how he’d created such things and saw them as being “good.” there aren’t enough words to describe how awesome He is. i was closer to Him than i’d ever been, and alksjdf;als i wanted to be even closer.
oh, but the last thing that i want anyone to think is that i never sin now. i still sin all the time, i’m the furthest thing from perfect ever lol. i try, though. i don’t want to hurt our God. i want to live for him, and sometimes i get frustrated with myself, because i don’t want to sin, and i just catch myself sometimes. its that weird denying the flesh thing.
i definitely still have a long way to go, and i wish i could say its harder than i thought it would be, but i was always taught that the Bible never promises a cushy life to God’s followers. it’s worth it, though. i realize this “testimony” isn’t all that flashy, nothing special (errors left and right, probably.) , but it means a lot to me because it shows that God really does change hearts, even though i didn’t really think i needed to be changed. i’m so grateful to him that he did think it worthwhile to change mine. i want Him to use me. i want to be a part of His greater plan, the mystery that is His will, because what else matters? what else could even come close to mattering? this life is here, then gone, and there is no better way to use it than giving it to God.
and i guess that’s all i have to say. :)
